For me, learning NVC is a very different process from learning many other things.
For example, when I learned kite-surfing, as I progressed I could take on more complicated and sophisticated skills: jumping, turning, rolling.
In my NVC learning process, however, I find myself returning again and again to the very basics.
Here are a few examples — with my girlfriend and in mediation — where the NVC basics are forgotten:
1. Observation ≠ Interpretation:
When I do mediations, I often notice that people hold interpretations of each other — and this immediately creates pain and distance.
For example, last week I was mediating a couple. The man suddenly stopped speaking, in a way I didn’t understand. I checked in with him, and he said: “Well, she doesn’t want to listen to me, so what’s the point of sharing?”
I then checked in with her: “Are you annoyed?”
And she replied: “No, it’s not that I don’t want to listen— I just really need to pee.”
It was a light, funny moment. And yet, 30 minutes later, something similar happened — the kind of thing that often creates an incredible amount of pain and distance:
She suddenly became angry and defensive after he expressed some doubt about going to a family event together. She said: “Yes, he’s ashamed of me!”
I could easily imagine how deeply painful that thought must be — to believe that your partner, the person closest to you, is ashamed of you.
He immediately reacted: “Stop with these stories all the time — you’re making a drama out of nothing!”. Which didn’t reassure her one bit — quite the opposite.
I took a breath… to slow things down.
Then I checked with him: “Are you feeling ashamed of her?”
He replied: “No! I’m hesitating to go together because when I meet my cousins I get so excited to hang out with them — and when she’s there, I don’t let myself do that, as I think I should support her in connecting with the family.”
She immediately responded: “But you don’t have to — just give me time and I’ll find my way! You don’t need to take care of me. It actually adds more pressure, as if I should be happy right away.”
A tender, reflective silence followed — and then they both laughed at the irony and sadness woven through the whole exchange. They decided to attend the event together.
There’s so much wisdom in the basics of NVC… yet they’re incredibly easy to forget.
2. Empathy:
When I first learned about guessing feelings and needs, I was thrilled by this new possibility. tried it everywhere — and was met with a lot of resistance: “Stop doing this NVC on me!”, “Are you analyzing me? Is this the new psychological game you’re practicing?”, “Why are you talking so strangely? Just talk normally,” etc.
It took me quite a while to realize what was happening — that I needed to bring the human I am into my empathy. Empathy is not a technique (guessing feelings and needs); it is about being genuinely touched by what the other person is saying.
When reformulating (especially with my girlfriend), I like to pay attention to my tone of voice — I can sometimes catch an impatience or irritation in it. That’s when I know: this is not empathy.
So I stop and wait until I can respond from a place where I am genuinely and compassionately connected to what the other person is saying.
And the same goes the other way around: The other day, when my girlfriend was reformulating what I said, I thought I heard her own pain and disappointment in her voice. I stopped her — because I so much wanted to hear her being touched by what I was expressing, rather than hearing her hurt reaction to it.
Voice is as important — perhaps even more important — than words, because it reveals the consciousness behind them, for consciousness is the actual honesty behind the words.
It is so simple, it makes so much sense, and yet, so easy to forget.
3. Listening versus coaching:
Even after all these years of practicing NVC, it still happens so often with my girlfriend: she shares her pain with me, and without even noticing, I’m affected by it — whether because it hurts to see her in pain, or because what she says triggers my own pain — and then I just want her pain to go away (and of course I have brilliant ideas about how to solve it and make it disappear).
But it’s amazing to see how it simply doesn’t work. She’s not impressed by my “super coaching powers,” and her pain stays — even intensifies — as she feels more alone with it.
This is a humbling lesson, time and again, reminding me to return to the basics: to simply listen, to rediscover the secret power of compassion. Compassion is a very soft power, yet it can move mountains:
The other day, my girlfriend was in a lot of pain. While trying to listen, I noticed my own impatience and caught myself thinking, ‘Jeez, this is going to last forever’ (all while having millions of ideas about how to solve it). I’m glad I remembered—and was able to create space, simply listen, and reflect back what I heard, allowing myself to be touched by her words.
An hour later, she was in a completely different mood. The pain that had seemed so present earlier was simply gone. It had completely transformed — and I hadn’t done anything.
I see this so often in mediations: when a person is not heard, this kind of pain can linger for 20 years…
So simple — yet so incredibly easy to forget.
4. Request energy:
Request ≠ Demand: When I first learned this differentiation, it sounded so easy — “Sure, I will only request, I will never demand.”. I was able to do it with my words (“Would you be willing…?”), but I had no clue how far I was from the true energy of a request: The moment I feel even the slightest desperation about getting my needs met, the energy I radiate immediately shifts into demand energy. I want the other person to do as I wish, and if they don’t, I feel disappointed, frustrated, or angry— and in return, I meet even more resistance.
The other day, I asked my girlfriend to acknowledge that, in a certain situation, she was carrying a demand energy toward me. And she replied: “Yoram, I think you are demanding that I stop demanding.”. Well, yes… there was truth in that.
I remember, at the beginning of my NVC path 25 years ago, how it took me seven years to realize that I was actually angry at my ex-girlfriend for being angry at me— and was, in a sneaky way, demanding that she stop being angry… You can easily imagine why this didn’t bring me the results I was hoping for…
It sounds so simple — yet it is immense. As a mediator, I see ‘demand’ as the number one (silent) killer of relationships.
So simple — and yet it takes a lifetime of stumbling, of trial and error, to embody.
And so I return, over and over, to the basics.
With great care for embodiment, and for bringing NVC into every corner of my life
Yoram
*PS: For clarity, this newsletter might give the impression that my girlfriend is always in pain. That’s not the case at all—we’re actually in the middle of days filled with lightness, ease, and love 🙂. Pain is simply one of those challenging moments where much of the learning happens.