NVC is the most powerful tool I found so far to offer me profound life changing shifts in the views I have on: myself, others and life itself.
Here are 2 stories- little ‘change in perspective’ that happened in my sessions the last 2 weeks. These tiny shifts, are the ones I am the most excited about- I see so much depth and transformation available, in the relationship to oneself and others, in such daily casual moments:
Story 1: Scratching my finger
2 weeks ago I talked with an assistant during a course, she said:
“I always scratch my finger. I hate it, it makes it bleed and look ugly. I want to stop this horrible habit, but I can’t”.
Suddenly she stopped. She was silent while it was clear something big was moving in her. She breathed deeply for some moments and told me with tears:
“Now I remember… I thought I never received love from my Mother, I never felt her close to me. But actually- when we walked sometimes, she used to hold my hand and with her finger, she was gently caressing my finger”.
She cried…. And then added: “And now I see- each time when I am feeling lost or alone, I scratch my finger. This way I am carrying her love and attention with me …. it gives me comfort”.
NVC is teaching me the deep meaning of Empathy- to deeply trust life, honesty, and the body. Whatever a person/me is doing (also when doing things I don’t like or afraid of such as hurting: oneself or others) there is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS a beautiful reason behind it, a reason most often the person herself/himself is not aware of.
If I see a behavior I don’t like- it is most probably that I don’t understand it yet. The power of compassion as I see it is: If I want to change any behavior (of myself or others), the change is not likely to be sustainable if I am not first understanding the depth of what this behavior serves.
Story 2: Gift for a birthday
A mother shared with us in a session: “This morning I spend 4 hours ordering my 7 years old daughter’s room, and she got angry with me”.
I asked her: “Why did you want to order her room?”
She said: “Well, tomorrow is her birthday, and I feel guilty: Habitually we invite many of her friends to our house to celebrate her birthday, but now because of the Corona we can’t do that. So to compensate for the loneliness, I wanted to do something special- I wanted her to receive special attention and make her happy”.
We were lucky enough that her daughter was home, so I could check with her, I asked:
“So your mother wanted to do something special to celebrate your birthday, how is this for you you hear?”
She said: “Well, it seems kind of nice, but it also not really nice to clean my room because she knows I have so many nooks and crannies (special places where she likes to make installations with her play things)”.
I said: “Yes, so would it be fun for you to do other special things for your birthday?”
She immediately said (and I was so envy at how quickly she responded. The day before was my own birthday, a friend asked me this same question and I was mumbling for 10 minutes without coming up with anything clear as to what I want):
“YES, I have at least 3 things how I would celebrate it:
One: I want to draw pictures together- Mommy knows this is my favorite thing to do.
Two: To have a very big hug.
Three: To do something more adventurous than usually.”
Inside of me I was thinking: how sad it is that so often we want to make people around us happy and we simply forget to check with them- what would they wish for.
A week later the Mom was reporting: “We celebrated by creating some beautiful artwork, we hugged throughout the day and she enjoyed a hike with papa through the pine forest to her favorite picnic spot (and a few friends came over!). A fulfilling day she says”