17. Why Do We Lose Contact with the Humanity of Others? What Does “Transforming Enemy Images” Mean?

An enemy image is a mental picture I carry about another person or group of people.

Usually, it operates unconsciously, automatically, and often very deeply.

These images are shaped by culture, past experiences, pain, fear, family, media, religion, politics, and social conditioning.

As far as I know, all human beings carry enemy images..

What Is an Enemy Image?

An enemy image is not necessarily related to war. Often, it is much more subtle. For example:
“Men don’t care.”
“Women are too emotional.”
“Politicians are manipulative.”
“Rich people are selfish.”
“Religious people are dangerous.”
“Vegans are pretentious.”
“Managers only care about money.”

I also carry enemy images of people who are close to me: my parents, former partners, or my children.
Enemy images can be directed toward groups of people—entire cultures, races, skin color, professions, genders, or political groups.

Every judgment contains an enemy image. It becomes a filter through which I see another person: “You are lazy.” “She is selfish.” “They are arrogant.”
When I look at people through such filters, I can easily lose sight of who they really are.

Enemy Images Are Not Bad

I am not inviting us to hate ourselves for having enemy images. In fact, enemy images develop for very important reasons.

For example, if I got cheated by a a person with black skin, I might develop fear toward certain situations or persons with similar skin culture or origin.  As a way of protecting themselves from being hurt again.

Or if I were bitten by a dog, I might develop an enemy image of dogs. Again, this could be a way of protecting myself from having such a painful experience again.

In this sense, enemy images are often a form of survival intelligence.

They are lessons from the past that become imprinted in the nervous system as protection for the future.

The Problem with Enemy Images

And yet, while enemy images try to protect us, they can also become deeply disconnecting.

Because once I place someone into an enemy image, I stop seeing them freshly. I no longer meet this specific situation as it is. Instead, I meet my story about them.

I dress the present moment with my past experiences (or the experiences I have inherited from the culture I come from), which may be very different from what is actually happening now. As a result, I can miss life as it is and the opportunities it offers me. And then I begin reacting not to reality, but to my interpretation of reality.

For example, dogs can be incredibly sweet and nourishing companions.
Or people with black skin may become my closest friends and enrich my life in profound ways.

Or take another example: If my trust was broken in the past, and I consciously or unconsciously come to believe that “people cannot be trusted,” I may enter relationships with suspicion, guardedness, fear, control, or distance.
Paradoxically, this can give others the experience that they are not trusted. And this, in turn, may help create the very disconnection I fear and am trying to avoid.

How Painful It Can Become

• Many of us know how painful it is when others hold enemy images of us. For example, if I am a person of color and someone chooses not to rent an apartment to me or offer me a job because of that, it can be deeply painful—not to be seen for who I am and not to be given the same opportunities as others.
• When looking at wars, we can often trace their roots back to the buildup of enemy images. As individuals, communities, or entire countries increasingly believe their enemy images, it becomes easier to justify violence. What once seemed unthinkable can begin to appear legitimate, necessary, or even righteous.

Generational Enemy Images

Many enemy images are not even based on my own direct experiences. They are inherited.

For example, I have never personally been bitten by a poisonous snake, nor has anyone I know. Yet my nervous system reacts strongly to snakes. If I suddenly see a snake nearby, every cell in my body seems to react. (And I am quite happy about that, because otherwise, if I encountered a poisonous snake, I might be tempted to pet it…)
Why?
Because fear and caution have been passed down culturally and perhaps to some extent, biologically as well.

Similarly, many beliefs around: race, religion, nationality, gender, sexuality, or politics are often inherited through generations of pain, trauma, fear, and conditioning.

Therefore, I increasingly experience ‘transforming enemy images’ as profoundly important work—helping to stop this chain of inherited suffering.

Enemy Images in Relationships

Sometimes enemy images become deeply embedded in intimate relationships.

For example: if someone repeatedly experienced pressure or obligation around intimacy, they may unconsciously develop an enemy image toward sexuality itself.

Or if someone grew up with explosive anger in the home, they may later freeze each time a partner slightly raises their voice — even if the current relationship is actually safe.

Human beings are constantly reacting not only to the present —but also to layers of history carried in the nervous system.

Transforming Enemy Images

One of the most beautiful and meaningful experiences I know is the moment when an enemy image begins to dissolve.

For example, for many years I carried the enemy image that “men don’t care.”
This image grew out of painful experiences in my childhood with my father.

But over the years, I met countless men who showed vulnerability, tenderness, sensitivity, care, and love.
Each of these encounters gently contradicted my old image. Each one brought a little healing.
Not because my past suddenly disappeared, but because reality became bigger than my old conclusion.

Enemy images can also dissolve through watching a film. For example, if I carry an enemy image about a certain community, and then watch a film that reveals the humanity, tenderness, and lived experiences of the people in that community, I cannot fully return to the same enemy image I carried before. Something in my perception has shifted.

The same often happens when I travel to cultures that are unfamiliar to me. I then discover that I was carrying unconscious enemy images about who these people are. Through meeting them, listening to them, and sharing life with them, those images begin to dissolve.

For me, this is one of the most important experiences that contributes to peace in the world.

Transforming Enemy Images Does Not Mean Approving Behavior

This distinction is extremely important for me. Transforming enemy images does not mean: agreeing with harmful actions, becoming passive, or losing discernment.

I can still strongly oppose behaviors or systems while remaining connected to the humanity underneath them.

For example:
I may disagree deeply with someone’s political actions — while still recognizing: this person is also a human being trying, in their own way, to care for life or meet needs.

This changes the quality of my consciousness completely. It also changes how I act in the world and how I contribute to creating the kind of consciousness I long for.

Seeing the Humanity Behind the Behavior

One of the central practices in transforming enemy images is learning to see:

“What might this person be feeling?”
“What need are they trying to meet?”

Not to justify the behavior, but to reconnect with the humanity of the person behind the behavior I dislike or do not understand.

For example, behind aggression I may eventually discover that the person is feeling fear, helplessness, grief, a longing for protection, or desperation.

When I truly connect with the humanity underneath the behavior, something naturally softens inside me.

Again, it is not that I approve of the behavior. Rather, I am touched by the humanity underneath it. This puts me in a position of partnership, where I can join with the other person in exploring how we might care for life together.

The Boomerang Effect of Judgments

One insight that deeply changed me is: when I judge others, I often imprison myself too.

For example: if I carry the belief: “Men don’t care,”

I may unconsciously force myself to always be caring so I won’t become “one of those men.”

This can lead me to: exhaustion, self-sacrifice, burnout, or loss of authenticity.

So enemy images do not only disconnect me from others. They also limit my own freedom.

Returning to Reality

One of my deepest motivations for transforming enemy images is very simple:

I want to be in reality as reality is.

Not trapped inside: projections, prejudice, inherited fear, or old conclusions.

I want to meet people freshly. Human being to human being.

And honestly, this is not easy.

Enemy images often live very deep in the nervous system.
They do not disappear because I intellectually decide: “I should stop judging.”

For me, transforming enemy images is an ongoing practice. Again and again: receiving empathy, reconnecting with my own pain, and slowly discovering the humanity in the other person.

Love Feels Better Than Hate

One of the simplest reasons I continue practicing this work is that love feels better in my body than hate.

Suspicion contracts me. Enemy images isolate me. Hatred disconnects me from life.

But moments of genuine human connection—especially with people I previously feared or judged—often feel profoundly liberating.

Almost like the heart reopening.

This is one of the deepest dreams behind my practice of NVC: not to create a world where nobody disagrees, but to help create a world where, even in disagreement, we do not lose contact with one another’s humanity.