6. What Is Self-Connection? How Can I Stay Connected to Myself?
Short Answer
For me, self-connection is the practice of staying close to what is truly alive in me: my feelings, needs, body sensations, values, and longings.
Before discovering Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I was often aware of my thoughts, opinions, and judgments, but much less aware of what I felt, needed, or deeply cared about. Self-connection helps me come home to myself. It brings clarity, groundedness, self-understanding, and a greater capacity to stand for what matters to me.
I increasingly experience self-connection as one of the foundations of a meaningful life and meaningful relationships. The more connected I am to myself, the more compassion I have for myself, the less reactive I become in conflict, and the more available I am for empathy, honesty, dialogue, and genuine connection with others.
More Personal Answer
Becoming the Mama/Papa of My Own Inner World
Before discovering NVC, I did not realize how disconnected I often was from myself.
I knew what I thought. I knew my opinions. I knew my judgments.
But I was often not aware of:
- what I felt,
- what I needed,
- what was happening in my body,
- what deeply mattered to me in the moment.
- or what I want and how to stand for myself
For me, self-connection is: an inner clarity, a groundedness, a closeness to myself, know what I want, and being in touch with what is truly alive in me.
Self-Connection Is a Need
self-connection is not a luxury. It is a human need. Just like: rest, connection, play, meaning, or support.
Self-connection is the capacity to sense myself, see myself, know myself, and to have the clarity to stand for myself.
And like all needs, there are countless strategies to nourish it: walking in nature, dancing, writing, meditation, physical touch, music, silence, talking, or simply breathing consciously.
Over time, I have increasingly come to experience self-connection as one of the central keys to life. When I lose connection with myself, I often lose clarity, choice, spaciousness, and empathy. And when that happens, I not only lose connection with myself, but also with the other person.
The Importance of Self-Connection in Dialogue: When Two People Are Triggered at the Same Time
One thing I repeatedly observe in conflict is this: two people are triggered at the same time.
When someone is triggered and in pain, and speaks to me in blame or criticism, my body often reacts immediately. I feel hurt. Defensive. Tight. Activated.
In the blink of an eye, we have two people who are triggered—two people in pain at the same time.
Both people wish to be heard. Both long for empathy. Yet none is available to listen.
When I am in pain, my attention often becomes filled with that pain. Listening—offering empathy—requires a certain emptiness, a certain availability. When my inner world is full, there is little room left for yours.
Then my habitual impulse is often: expression.
For example: “Yes, but that’s not fair!” “You also did it!” “You don’t understand!”
And suddenly, we have two buckets full of water, each trying to empty itself into the other. Can you imagine the mess on the floor? This is conflict- a growing cycle of pain in which neither person truly feels heard
Self-Connection Before Expression
One of the deepest practices I’ve learned is: “Connect before you express.”
It sounds simple, but I find it very difficult at times.
When what another person is saying to me (for example, a judgment, complaint, or demand) creates pain in me, I so want to react. I want to defend myself, explain myself, or attack back.
But the downside is this: if I express myself while they are still full of their own expression (and pain), which has not yet been heard, we soon become like two full buckets trying to empty our pain into the other person’s already full bucket.
The result is not only that neither person feels heard, but also that the water (pain) spills onto the floor, creating an even bigger mess than the one we started with.
“Connect before you express” might sometimes mean: first, breathe.
Breathing can be an alternative to the urge to express myself immediately. It helps me remember that if I express myself right now, there is a good chance it will bring me more pain rather than more understanding.
Breathing, and especially the in-breath, is a way of welcoming my experience into my own body—my pain, my frustration at not being heard, my judgments.
Then, I might take a moment to connect with myself. Everything I want the other person to hear right now, I will first hear myself. I become the mother and father of my own (baby) expression.
I take time to listen to my judgments and blame, and then to look underneath them. Beneath the judgments, to discover something much more authentic: my experience in this moment—my feelings—and, deeper still, the core of what I am longing for right now: my needs.
Only then, once I have given some care to what is alive in me, am I more likely to have the inner space needed to listen empathically to the other person. To hear that behind their judgments, blame, or demands toward me, something is going on within them—they have their own feelings and needs.
Taking a Time-Out (“T”):
When a quick self-connection in my head is not enough, I might take a time-out (“T”) from the conversation to give myself more time for self-connection.
Taking a “T” is an act of care for the relationship. It is a way to protect both parties from causing harm and to support reconnection. To help ensure that the time-out is received as care rather than rejection, I keep two principles in mind:
– Express that it comes from care:
“I worry that if I speak now, it won’t foster more connection or understanding. I want to protect our relationship. I’d like to take 20 minutes in my room for some self-connection, and then we can continue. Does that work for you?”
– Communicate when you will return:
“I’d like to go to go for a walk and come back in an hour to continue. Does that work for you?” Or: “I need some time to reflect. I’ll reach out in a week. Would that be okay?”
I see so clearly that self-connection changes the quality of everything I say afterward. Because when I speak while disconnected from myself, I often speak from blame, fear, reactivity, or desperation.
But when I reconnect with myself first, my honesty tends to become much more vulnerable, grounded, and clear.
And, not surprisingly, this tends to lead to more understanding, connection, collaboration, and love.
The Voice Inside My Head
One of the biggest discoveries of my life was realizing: the person who speaks to me the most is me. Inside my head, there is a voice constantly speaking.
And honestly, much of the time, this voice has not been very kind.
For years, I unconsciously spoke to myself in ways such as: “I’m stupid.” “I’m lazy.” “I’m not good enough.” “I’m fake.” “I’m failing.” “I’m not disciplined enough.”
If another person spoke to me the way I speak to myself, believe me, they would not be my friend.
This realization deeply shocked me.
Because I increasingly saw that one of the biggest sources of suffering in my life was not what happened externally — but the way I spoke to myself internally.
Speaking to Myself Compassionately
One of the biggest transformations NVC brought into my life is: slowly learning to speak to myself compassionately.
Not positively. Not artificially. But compassionately.
For example, instead of saying to myself: “You’re so stupid for eating this cookie. You can never follow through on your own words and commitments!”
I might slowly shift toward: “When I see myself about to eat this cookie, I feel worried because health and vitality matter deeply to me. I would like to take another moment to breathe and make a decision that includes as many parts of myself.”
When I compare how these two inner dialogues feel in my body, the difference is enormous.
One disconnects me from my power by putting me down. The other reconnects me to life, choice, and creativity.
Self-Connection Is Not Selfishness
One misunderstanding I sometimes encounter is the idea that self-connection means becoming self-centered.
Actually, my experience is often the opposite. The more connected I am to myself, the less reactive I become, the less I blame, the less I pressure others, and the more space I have to hear and see them.
When my own needs feel acknowledged internally, I no longer desperately demand that others immediately fix my inner state.
Moving Between In and Out
I increasingly experience life as a dance between:
- self-connection,
and - Dialogue
When I feel spaciousness, I can move outward toward another person.
When I feel overwhelmed or triggered, I move inward again. Almost like breathing:
in… out…in… out…
Over time, I want this movement to become more and more fluid and natural.
Self-Connection Is the Foundation
Today, if I had to summarize self-connection in one sentence, I might say:
self-connection is the practice of staying close to my own humanity.
My fears. My longings. My pain. My beauty. My needs. My vulnerability. My aliveness.
Not fixing them. Not abandoning them.
But staying with them and breathing with them lovingly.
And paradoxically, the more deeply I connect with myself, the more available I become:
- for empathy,
- for honesty,
- for dialogue,
- and for genuinely appreciating, loving, and connecting with others.
The more I see myself, the more I see others.
The more I understand myself, the more I understand others.
The more connected I am to myself, the more connected I am to others—and to life.