Human Stories

Wanting to die

So what is it that made me stay alive:
In 2008 I wanted to die. Luckily, I went then to a 9 days NVC training.
One of the trainers (Marianne Gothlin) who heard me talking about my current feelings came to me and said- “shall we have a walk?”
I said ok, and we went for a walk.
She asked me: “How are you?”
I shared for 5-10 minutes, and then said: “I am done, shall we go back?”.
She said: “If you want to share more I am available. Would you like to?”. 
We continued and I talked for 20 more minutes about my pains. She did nothing… she just listened silently. 
After 20m I looked at her and said: “OK, enough?”
She said: “Why?”
I said: “You are not fed up listening?”
She said: “No…no… I am not.”
So I continued. I shared about my loss of hope, my sense of meaninglessness, and that I do not see a reason to live. And she continued listening to me silently.
After 20 more minutes I said: “Aren’t you fed up??”
She said with a relaxed dreamy voice and a little smile on her face: “No…no…I enjoy”.
So I continued… For 2 hours until I had enough and asked her to go back to the workshop building.
She said: “I enjoyed it, shall we have another walk tomorrow?”

We walked like this for 5 days in a row, 1-2 hours a day. Every 20 minutes I’m checking if she is not yet fed up, and she’s answering: “No…no…I enjoy it”.
After 5 days something has shifted in me, it started to land on me: She enjoys listening to me!! She truly knew how to enjoy me! She saw me more beautiful than I saw myself! 

Through these 5 days, her capacity to see me, slowly became mine. And since then I never wanted to die again.

This something weird and most precious she did with me, I now call- Empathy.