Human Stories

Sex: Need versus strategy

I find it challenging to find the balance in sex where both partners feel satisfied on the one hand and no pressure on the other.
Here is a story how NVC has transformed a sex conflictual situation I had a while ago:

Few years ago, my girlfriend didn’t want to have sex with me for some time. That was difficult for me as I wanted it so much… The more I wanted it, the more she experienced it as a pressure and wanted it even less (with pressure, making love feels like another duty on the to-do list…).
We were falling into a painful loop.
In my desperation I took a pen and paper to help me self-connect:  I remembered that all conflicts are happening between strategies, and never between needs. So I started to dive:  “What is really my need here?”
“I need to have sex with her” my brain was answering.
Mmm… ‘Sex with her’ is mixing my need (sexual expression) and the strategy (with her). “Well, I am not planning to make love with someone else!!” Wave of desperation… So I took a longer look:  “Why do I want to make love with her?” This took me a longer while to discover… until clarity started to creep in: “I want to express my passion fully, and to be welcome with it.” This is a vulnerable place in me, it is so unimaginable for me that my passion can be seen as a gift (as opposed to a burden):
I remember my grandmother angrily pushing and throwing me out of her house saying repeatedly: “OUT… OUT!!!” when I was passionately playing football in her house.   Inside me registered: when I let my passion be expressed, someone will be angry and throw me out.
A year later, when I was walking back home after my first day at school, I passed by my old kindergarten (like my big brothers and sister used to do daily), and there I saw my best friend. In my excitement I entered and ran directly at him to hug him. Unfortunately in my excitement I bumped into him, made him fall and he started to cry… The teacher came angry at me and pushed me out of the kindergarden, and I never visited my friend again.
So I learned to carefully hold back my passion carefully in.
Now I was clear:  I long my passion to be fully expressed, and for it to be warmly received.
 I skyped immediately to my girlfriend and said “I really want to express my passion fully and be received. Are you available to listen to me now?” And for 20 minutes, I went for it fully- I told her all that I imagine doing with her, with all details and colors… through the words, I allowed myself energetically to fully FULLY express my passion.
And my girlfriend listened attentively.
After 20 minutes, I was content. It was all out there, and, I saw on her face that she was not afraid of it nor angry with me, she even seemed to be entertained and didn’t experience any pressure.
That was a healing experience.
And as an extra miracle, the day after we made love 🙂