One of my favorite questions to ask people is: “Can you tell me- at this very moment, what is it that you are afraid to share with me? What is it that you are hiding?”
Well, it is easier to ask it from others and more challenging to ask it from myself…
Actually, there is almost always something I hide, something I am afraid to share.
And when I do not share EXACTLY THIS ONE, all other things feels tasteless, empty, and meaningless in the conversation.
You can read what this led me to share 2 nights ago:
Revealing that which I hide:
2 nights ago, while having a dinner with a friend, I asked myself- “What is it that I am hiding now?”. The answer that came from within was horrifying to me: “I hide that I want him to think that I am better than him”.
Oh no, not this one….I don’t want to share THIS ONE… If I share this one, he will not see me as ‘great’ anymore… I will loose my glory as a ‘spiritual person’… And even worth- he will tell about it to others and everyone will loose trust in me… nobody would want to come to my workshops anymore…
Then I already knew- Yes, I need to share THIS ONE… Anything else will be tasteless, empty and meaningless.
So I shared it- “I want you to think that I’m better than you”. While feeling absolutely ashamed- I laughed- A laugh that was trying to show as if I am ‘on top of it’, as if I am conscious it is stupid to want that. This laugh was another cover. So I repeated, this time with a voice that was closer to me, revealing- “Yes, I really want you to think that I am better than you- That I am better in NVC, that I am more honest, more empathic, more knowing what I want, more powerful…”.
I am so grateful that my friend was not saying- “This is disgusting, I don’t want to speak with you anymore”, and rather, he stayed silent. Listening to me.
So I continued- “I want to be ‘better’, I want everyone to think I am the best in NVC. Being ‘the king’ is giving me the safety that I am wanted, that I have worth, that I am needed. It gives me the safety that people want to be close to me and even pay me. Being ‘the king’, is my way to feel safe. I so long to be safe…
And to tell you the truth- trying to be ‘the king’ feels lonely- In order to maintain the status I hide parts of myself- I hide certain flaws that might ‘take me down from the throne’.
Hiding feels tasteless, empty and meaningless.”
My friend was shedding a tear, saying he was touched by what I said.
That felt so much better than being alone on a throne… I prefer being honest than being the king!
By the way, me writing all this to you here, I secretly hope you think now: “WOW, Yoram is so honest…”. Another way to get a throne… A safety.
I want to acknowledge- It is yet much too scary for me to give it up.
Slowly slowly.
I feel nervous pressing the send button- not knowing how this will arrive to you (will you love me or will you judge me?).
And yet, anything else will be tasteless, empty and meaningless.
Yoram