This summer was particularly nourishing to me. Nourishing, not in the regular sense of the word:
This summer was for me a summer of insecurity, a summer of being afraid when I meet and talk with people, especially when I do not know them very well. When speaking, my voice often trembles lightly and my inner jackals bounces in my head- “Yoram, it is not interesting what you say! Look, they are not interested in in what you say!”. My jackals often think that everybody is “better” than me (better in speaking, better in telling stories, more confident about themselves than me…).
This summer I often see myself as small and insignificant, like a poor wet bonny cat loosing it’s “fur facade”, loosing its “proud autonomy”. Insecure.
So why do I say it was a “nourishing summer”?
I am nourished and deeply celebrating my having enough inner security to let myself show and feel how insecure I really am !!! I once heard a teacher say- “you become strong after falling flat on your face so many time, to the point that during the falling you can enjoy the knowing you will soon stand up and walk.”. This is exactly how I feel now. I learn to enjoy walking insecure:
My insecurity opens me up- when I am “weak”, I am appreciating, admiring and learning from others. Insecurity connects me to being the human I am- vulnerable in my wanting my fellow humans to appreciate me, appreciate my contribution and welcome me to belong and take part. My insecurity opens me up to the very core of my being a human being- I need connection with my fellow human beings.
The first 25 years of my life I was soaking from my surroundings ways how to build up layers of armors around me- how should I behave and how should I speak to make people appreciate me. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn’t, but I certainly felt most often disturbed (to say the least) with the hiding of my true feelings. Disconnected while needing connection.
My last 13 years took the opposite direction- I am busy dropping layers of protections, to discover it is safe to be me with you. Vulnerable and honest. It is there that I find oceans of inner strength available to me. It is there that I experience deep safety, deep meaning to live. It is there that I find my capacity to love, to appreciate, to care and strive for togetherness.
Few days ago I had a meeting with a director of a psychiatric hospital to propose an NVC course to one of her teams (and possibly to the whole hospital). My first words as I met her I told her what I noticed I was trying habitually to hide- “Hello, before starting I just want to be honest with you- I come here in order to try to impress you so that you say “YES” to my proposition. I say this, because I wish this meeting to be honest”.
At the end of the meeting she said she likes me and would like me to come 🙂
Yoram