Until a few years ago, each time I heard someone saying to someone else: “I want you to be happy”, I wanted to vomit, because I didn’t trust it was honest. I thought it was a ‘fake spiritual sentence’ of trying to be nice.
Until I realized what this sentence means for me.
Here is a story with my girlfriend that demonstrates it:
Story:
My girlfriend and I are in the process of buying her an apartment in Amsterdam.
This is a nerve-wracking process: for each apartment in Amsterdam, there are 70 people on the jump, viewing it and making an offer. There is only one bid you can make. So it is all about being quick and sharp and taking risks.
2 weeks ago we found a studio that is in 2 minutes walking distance from my home. Small space, PERFECT for what we were dreaming of.
We made an offer, waited 2 days for an answer, then started negotiating the price, back and forth again with days in between, waiting and waiting and waiting, full of uncertainty…
The morning we were hoping to hear back, I was giving a session, and when it was over, my girlfriend told me: “The seller said YES to our offer, and, I am doubting- I want to see another house before deciding.”
My first inner reaction was: I want to chop her head off… “WHAT??? After I nearly cannot sleep for 4 nights, you now want to wait before giving the seller an answer? Maybe he will then sell it to someone else???” My heart just didn’t want to wait a second- I wanted to call the agent to say YES !!!!!!!!!
But I looked at my girlfriend’s face, and I got it- if we buy this apartment now, she might regret it later. I want her to be happy.
“I want her to be happy” is not even because I love her. “I want her to be happy” is simply because I want to live next to her. When she is not happy, it is not fun to be close to her. When she is not happy, it has an effect on me. Her happiness is part of my well-being.
It is on a small scale- with my girlfriend, and it is exactly the same on a larger scale: “I want the Palestinians to be happy” and it is not a question of love, but simply because I want to live close to them. If they are not happy, they will make sure I am not happy either. Their well-being is clearly part of my well-being.
I care for their needs because I care for my needs.
Although I had just had an intense 3-hour session, after nights of no sleep, worrying if we would get the apartment or not and and almost nervous break-down when my girlfriend said: “I am doubting” – I followed my intuition to generate my last resources to join her in seeing the other apartment. Inside of me, my heart was pounding with every second that was passing without us calling the seller to say ‘YES’.
We visited the apartment, and there I saw what it was all about: My girlfriend was still doubting if she wants to live alone or if she wants to live in a small community with 2 other girls who were with us – viewing the place.
She needed time to mourn the strategy of living with them. And she needed the time it needed to get a fresh sense of security in her, that this community can continue also if we choose to buy the small studio. So, after some tears, honest expression and mourning between the girls and new inspiration for possibilities of their dream of community living to continue, I saw a new smile coming up on my girlfriend’s face. A smile where her whole body was saying: “YES, now I am ready with all my heart and soul – I want to buy the studio”.
This little smile was worth a fortune to me.
We then called the seller, and we are (nearly) about to buy the studio.
And guess what: her two girlfriend’s have just happened to find an apartment that is 3 minutes bike ride away from our apartment(s). So community continues 🙂
With deep care for interdependency, on small and large scales,
Yoram
