By Bonno Lange
I recently had a conversation with a friend who was struggling in his intimate relationship. For a long time, his partner had been pulling away from him, to the point where there was little to no physical connection. She had started labeling him as “pushy” and “demanding,” which only deepened the hurt. On top of that, he discovered that she had begun exploring intimacy with another man, someone she described as “less demanding” and where she was feeling “more safe” It was clear to me that it was time to talk about sex.
Personally, I find talking about sex truly challenging. I’m afraid of not managing to find the “right” words, afraid to be judged, or my partner getting hurt. I worry that the conversation might drive us further apart, or that my expression won’t be understood. And most often I do not even know what I need or want. Sounds familiar?
And yet, despite the fear and discomfort, this is the very area where I find it most important to speak up. I want to stand in my authenticity, to honor my boundaries, and to care for my vulnerability.
Repeatedly hearing his partner’s “NO” my friend felt hurt and desperate. Over time, this became a deep wound. We then took time to explore what was happening inside of him. We paused all urges to fix the problem. Instead, we created space to simply be, allowing whatever thoughts or feelings to emerge at their own pace.
As we sat in this space of ‘non-doing’, we slowly began to uncover deeper layers of his authentic self. The initial desire for more intimacy was just the surface level. After about 40 minutes of reflection, we connected with his longing to experience strength, without having to constantly manage or suppress it. Beneath that, we uncovered an even deeper insight: growing up with his father and brother, he had learned to prioritize their needs over his own. The result was a deep belief that it wasn’t possible to live his own energy. It was not anymore about the amount of sex he had or did not have with his partner. It was about his life!
I imagine if his partner could hear this, she will not hear it anymore as pressure – “I want more sex with you”- and rather hear it as a door of getting to know him and be his partner in supporting him in life.
When I stop trying to “do” something or “solve” something I see more clearly what its already there. The moment we can “just” slow down and be with the pain, new routes appear as to how we can be together and heal ourselves and our relationships. And what a relief it is to realise that I’m not depending on my partner for me to be fully me.
Once my friend got connected to the core of what was at stake for him, there was a shift in his heart. He felt more loving and became curious about his partner’s “NO”. I was not present in their dialogue but I can imagine with this new awareness and curiosity, a dialogue becomes something entirely different. Instead of being focused on how the other should behave, I’m more focussed on connecting with our individual life projects underneath the trigger – from trigger to opportunity.
Another insight that I find inspiring when it comes to talking about sex is related to bringing the ‘non-doing’ into the bedroom: A tantra teacher once suggested me to actually “keep the talking out of the bedroom”. It took me some time to understand what this meant for me. In the act of making love, if I stop any “doing” and give the genitals more time and space to be, space to hangout with one another, it brings about a certain delicious radiation between them. This is so different from the excitement that comes with the more traditional, goal-oriented approach to sex, Where I am “doing” something in order to get pleasure.
In this is ‘non-doing’ way, we have no idea what comes next. It’s a real adventure. Instead of being focussed on orgasm, It’s more focussed on interdependence. The well being of both my partner and myself. And how delicious it is to experience the radiation that comes with ‘non-doing’ in the bedroom. It definitely supports love to flow naturally, which is sweet in itself and makes any talk about sex feel a bit more gentile.
With much hope for meeting in deeper layers,
Bonno