A week ago, in an early Saturday morning, I came to my loved one with the most inspiring idea- “Shall we stay in bed until 12:00 with doing NOTHING?”
She thought for a moment and said- “NO” (you know this word- worse word on the planet…).
Thanks god, her Giraffe remembered to add: “Because I want to learn and do a lot of things today”.
I saw my old patterns bursting inside of me- a Jackal party in my head. If anything will come out of my mouth now, it will probably not add to connection… so to protect, I immediately removed myself- I said- “I go upstairs”.
Before leaving the room, my head really wanted to turn to “give her the look” (you know, the one with the sharpen little eyes…) so that she will see how “poor” I am, and that she will feel guilty.
Thanks God again, I managed to control my muscle and direct my face forward, to just walk straight and up the staircase.
In the past I used to put pressure on people I loved. I suffered enough in order to see now how contra-productive it is for the long term. How damaging this pressure is for the relationship. I so much wish to be myself a “Demand free zone” for my loved ones.
Upstairs, me and my Jackals had a party: “She doesn’t love me”, “She prefer learning (objects) than being with me (a human being)”, “she didn’t see my beautiful intention and didn’t get how inspiring my idea is”, “what I suppose to do now here alone”……
Putting out these Jackals on a paper, started to create some space in my heart to see REALITY- I saw that I was just so disappointed cause this image of us staying like this in bed was so sweet and inspiring to me. I mourned the beauty of it… It is then that I connected to my actual need behind it- I had a huge need to rest my mind (and she was my favorite strategy for doing so). So I start resting my mind (Jackal party was not so restful…). I did Yoga and took a warm nourishing shower. I felt relaxed and warm inside.
When I came back from the shower, I was ready to start working, I opened my computer and there an email was waiting for me- from her, saying- “Yoram, now my need for togetherness is stronger than my need for learning, can you come downstairs to be with me in bed?”